scaryheights

and i get to see you, in just over 24 hours
i just got paid 1200

i love you
i love you
have i told you today?
well i do, with all my heart
then some more

I'm really dissapointed in you.

I left my full pack of smokes in the back of Mike's car tonight :(
fuck ass
and my debit won't let me access it anymore this month

i'm so sorry

i've become a victim of what partially made you what you are today. and now i'm broken. i'm ruined. you'll never be able to have me again.

i'm so sorry. i tried everything i could to stop it, but nothing worked. i'm sorry i ruined everything.


and something in my body changed. it adapted. i'm so sorry.
this is too early for me. i'm so scared.
i miss you. i don't even know where you are, where i am.
i ran away again.

i love you. i'm sorry.
i wish i could hold you again, but i'm nothing

why does everything always fall into place the most inconvenient way possible for me, the way that i always have to suffer, and where i'm happy for a moment, so that the feeling of being happy is just a taunt.

i know what i want. i want to be everything you are, everything i could be, everything we were, but never the same. i want us, i want cuddles, i want to fold myself into your arms, so close that for a moment i honestly believe i am your heart, pumping your blood through your veins and keeping you alive day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year.

but i want everything different. i want to go on a crazy binge of not being able to see straight, feel what's real and what's false, see bird and know that it's actually there, and not just a figment of the intoxicants i've been putting in constantly. and i want to disassociate from reality and dreams till the sun wraps its arms around you and folds you into the ground, where i bury you deeper and listen to the sounds of my heart breaking and my knees are shaking and. i'm crying and crying, oh why couldn't i kiss you one last time?

looks like this one isn't going to come true.

what's mine is mine, what's yours is yours. i never tried to steal anything from you, so don't try and make out that what was always mine to begin with, is yours to end with.

i want to be everything you are to me

if only simple pleasures could offset the feelings of being trapped

and you walk out the door of the house you've lived in for a long time, and you don't feel lost, and like you've been dropped into the midst of some crazy civic war

and there's a reason to wake up in the morning, other than the fact that your heart is still pumping blood

and you can do something with confidence and know that, not worry that, it will turn out okay in the end, and not break every thing down before it can even begin, reverse the cycle and lock you in

if only.

aww :(
so lonely

i hate to see you down
i just want everyuthing to be okay
i want to fix everything, and i try, but i don't think i can
and it hurts me
because i love you so much, and i don't know if i should, but i do and i always will
i just want to wrap my arms around you and deflect everything bad that could possibly happen
and i want to kiss your tears and sorrows away




so why am i crying?

and i don't know what to do
i'm not doing anything
i'm letting you do it all, you show me what i should make of everything

because i don't know what this all means
what do i mean
what do we mean?
what's going to happen?


i just don't want to get hurt again.
you hurt me, and now you expect me to be there for you?
well i don't know
this all feels so different and wrong and unfamiliar
but it feels so right, at the same time
i just want to know what this all means to you
what do i mean to you? who am i to you? where do you hold me in your heart?


this is all too much, too soon.
i liked when you didn't talk to me for a long time.
i didn't stay up all night thinking of you
my dreams weren't full of you, night after night
every single night
so i just don't bother to remember them anymore
there's no point


so please
tell me who i am to you, what i am
what we are, where we're going
because i don't know, at all, i have no clue
and from the looks of it, you know exactly what's going on.

ugh
but I don't know if I should

i don't know what to say, you took the words away. i'm lost, i'm scared, and i can't care anymore. i miss your arms around me, i miss your smell and how your skin feels against mine. i miss your voice, i miss your smile, i miss your eyes and i miss your hair. i love you too much, it's crazy.
i'm sick, i'm tired, i'm a wreck but i have to keep going but there's nothing left of me!


i'm not okay, i'm far from it. i won't be okay for a while. but i can pretend, i can fake it.
there is officially nothing left of me, you took it when you said your parting words. you're not sorry, you never were.
i'm tired of fighting, i'm tired of crying, i'm tired of hurting. i'm tired of this all.
i miss you, i want to run away and hold you and kiss you till the sun sets, and there's nothing left of us but memories and.. and.. AND I JUST DON'T KNOW ANYMORE.

i just want some love. i want you to be okay, i want to chase away the monsters under your bed and kiss you goodnight, every night. i want to hold you and love you till everything is the way it was, way back before the city. fuck the city, it ruined everything, it's ruining me, and it's ruining you. i can see it in your eyes and it hurts me.


i want to stand on the highest mountain and scream to the world how i feel till my vocal cords no longer exist. i don't need my words, i just need someone to hold me through all this. i'm going to try and make this work, i really am. for you. but why am i trying when you don't even want me anymore? nobody does, or ever did. so why do i try, why do i love when i just get hurt? i'm so used to hurting, and it's pulled me down so far. i'm tired of everything, i'm tired of breathing, i'm tired of living, i'm tired of being tired, i just want to hurry up and die, it feels like there's nothing here for me anymore, the only thing i had was you and i don't have that anymore! i don't have nothing but my pain, and that's not worth staying for. and sure i probably sound like a crazy depressed pyshotic whiney bitch, but this is just how i feel. i'm tired of crying, i cry too much. i could never cry infront of you. you cried in front me, and my heart started to break. and i felt bad for making you cry.


i honestly love you too much that it scares me, but i'm used to it. and this is crazy, i'm going insane, i can feel it, but i'm embracing it, because this is different, and maybe i'll get better. but i know i won't.


i don't want your fucking pity, i don't want to hear bullshit about you feeling sorry for me. i don't fucking care. i just want some understanding about who i am and where i'm coming from with things, but NOBODY will fucking give me the time of day to care.

it all boils down to one quotable phrase, if you love something give it away.
come back.
i'll always be here


i don't know what to say, i never did, but i guess i do.
"i love you."


my world always comes crashing down, but it doesn't matter, because it never did.

does anyone remember that show? does anyone remember being a kid and wanting to grow up so fast? i'm beginning to become more scared of growing up, but it's happening all too fast now. i won't miss my childhood - i didn't have one.

but now, everything is just spiraling out of control, again and again and again. i'm sick, i'm tired, i'm stressed, and nothing works out anymore. but i'm trying to make this work, i'm trying to make it work for you. you. i'm doing this all for you and you don't even want me anymore! nobody does, so why don't i just go?

i'm done. i'm done trying for something i'm not sure of anymore, i'm done hurting, i'm done with the tears. i have no more energy for this. this hurts me more than everything else. and i feel funny.
there's officially nothing left to me. i don't understand how i feel anymore, i don't know what to do. i'm lost, i'm a wreck, and i'm ready to curl up in a hole and smoke myself to death.
would i be missed? who am i kidding.

I'm going to start telling people "I love you." more often. I've been seeing a lot of death, everywhere, and it's making me break down and realize that I take everything for granted. And that one day, things will be different, and people won't be here anymore. I really should value people more than I do, I'm just so sick of everyone's bullshit that I can't bear to be around people anymore. But there's people I love with all my heart and I don't tell them that, and I'm really regretting that because if something ever happened to them I'd lose it more than I already have. I don't care if you don't say it back, I just know that if something happened to those people, and the last thing I said to them wasn't "I love you" then I would never be able to live it down. You don't have to say it back, but I don't want to lose the few people I'm lucky to have. And I just want to hold them till the end of time and all the war and crisis passes, and everything is okay. But things will never be that okay, no matter how much we wish for it. I want to make things okay, and I want to fix what I've ruined.

feel so disgusting about myself. like I've got nothing going for me, nothing to live for, nothing worth being here for.
I look in the mirror and I'm disgusted by the putrid piece of shit looking back.

but I don't know where to start, or would it even matter?
would you even care enough to listen? would you even care about what I say?
I feel like I have to tell someone, but I don't know what to say or who to tell.